World behind my Wall

Little Doll Miscreate

2011-12-12T05:20:00.001+08:00

A slight feeling of melancholy descends upon me yet again. What I had thought had fled from me the night before has come about once more. I cannot say what has brought this about, neither can I say why I feel this way. But one thing is for certain, I'm not feeling alright at all.

It feels as if something bad has happened, but I don't want to believe so. I cry at the thought that perhaps something might have happened to you, and that I won't be there. That I may never see you ever again. That you will never speak to me again. That I will never hear from you, or feel you, or touch you ever again... It drives my mind to insanity, and shatters my heart so much so that I don't want to live anymore...

And if I do not get things straight with you before then, then on my own head be it. I will bear the specter of regret for as long as I live, which shan't be long if truly something terrible did happen to you...

For one who doesn't believe in God, I hope, I pray now with all my heart that nothing has happened to you...

Because...
To the madness of my mind,
Only deep purposeful sleep is kind.
To soothe the sorrows of the day,
Only to start the endless dismay.

Rough touches of hurtful glass,
That draws sreams of blood it does.
To numb that which words cannot,
To make peace which is most sought.

And cracked this porcleain doll shall be,
But not for the cruel world to see.
Only to the One who can appreciate,
This little doll that was miscreate.

Need to keep moving...

2011-11-21T22:15:00.001+08:00

Hey everyone! A slightly belated post. So, I'm back from Germany, and sadly, it's back to reality for me... I had lots of fun there, doing the stuff boys do. Well, not regular boys anyway. But still, I had fun, and it's actually weird to be back in Singapore...

There were so many activities going on in Frankfurt, one hardly knows what to do at all... Then I come back to Singapore and there's nothing to do that I hardly know what to do at all... So, this weekend there's ice skating and probably movie to enjoy. I dunno...

Ice skating was introduced to me in Germany, and I must say that it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I thought I woul fall the moment I hit the ice, but I guess I didn't after all. Okay, that was a lie. So I did hit the floor, pretty hard might I add. But that don't stop me from trying again. So this weekend I'ma try it out and see how it's like.

Wish me luck. I think I'ma need it to emerge unscathed.

2011-11-07T20:31:00.000+08:00

And so ends the journey of nearly a year.
A new one starts, as the phoenix rises again from the ashes.
Understandably, this blog hasn't been exactly lively, and it can't be blamed on my schedule.
I have all the time in the world during the weekends to update, but well, there's really nothing interesting here at all.

That being said, there's only one thing that is quite the highlight, and the cherry on top of my cream for this year. A week in Germany, with my beloved friend.
It's a very sudden trip, and one that was planned almost on the spot. As such, I have no plans at all for this coming trip, other than to go with the flow. To go where he leads, and to follow like a little love sick puppy.

Undeniably, this boy has cast a spell over me. A spell of love... *Sigh*
How else to explain the rising heartbeat, the heat in my ears, and the constant sighs I give, whenever I come acoss his name? How else to explain the wide smile and the elevated moods when I get a letter from him?

I'm only too glad to be caught in his spell.

2011-10-08T13:38:00.000+08:00

Carry me off to that place once more.
To the heavens, where resides angel's core.
Corrupt it from the inside out.
And from the darkness quells the raging storm.

Gonna be home soon, and lots to tell then.
But until such a time, it is suffice to say that I am alive and well.
I had time enough to myself, as to be able to finish Agatha's best selling novel yet.
"And then there were none."
A splendidly written book, with traces of the supernatural within the natural.
With heightened sense of fear pervading the air, even I was drawn into the world of Soldier's Island.

It is my wish to be able to express myself artistically.
Call me bohemian, or longing for the life of the rich and the famous.
Whether real, or make belief.
I think I shall enjoy being dead where I can live out my fantasies.
To drink and be merry, to kill without consequence.
A certain bloodlust resides in me, and yet, I am unable to hurt those that I can see.
Perhaps not those who are undesirable to us, and repungant to nature.
But then again, they are beyond my reach. Deaths made to look like accidents?
Murder is easy. The only trick is not getting caught.

2011-09-24T09:13:00.000+08:00

This blog is very dead...
Can't blame me completely can you?
Finally got my 3SG rank. Will fill you in again when I've got the time.
Maybe later in the afternoon.
Heading for Wallaby soon.
Will be gone for 3 weeks.

2011-07-30T21:01:00.000+08:00

And so there I stood, surrounded by fools.
By those who cannot even begin to know what I am.
A paradox in the flesh, an unsolvable rubiks.
Come and understand me, or at least try our best to.
See that I am, not so different.
I still am only human after all.
But alas, they do not try to.
Perhaps they are afraid to.
And yet they want to hear the other things that make me interesting.
They want to hear the stories and experiences,
But they are all afraid to be there when it happens.
I bring them to places that they don't even know.
I bring them to new heights of pleasure and pain.
But they are mortals, and afraid of what they don't know.
They let me go and venture to these new sensations,
To return to tell them what it's like.

Saying Goodbye?

2011-07-24T20:36:00.000+08:00

It's hard to describe the mood that I currently bear.
Is it one of neutrality? Or is it one of apathy?
Have I lost my feelings and become numb to all that I am?

I am dying...
Losing myself to the madness that is reality.
To the demons of realness and cruelty.

They are pulling me away from all that I love.
And have come to acknowledge as my own.
As a part of me...

The next few weeks are not my own.
I will be undertaking one of the tougher parts of my training...
And it is here that I will decide whether I stand or fall.
And when I fall, do I do it lying down?
Or do I go fighting till the end?

Words for mself to ponder and reflect upon...
Well... Time to fly.
Fly to the last vestiges of all that is me...
And we shall see if it is time to say goodbye.

2011-07-22T20:57:00.000+08:00

*Sigh*
I'm home, but have to return soon... This sucks...
Army is getting tougher and tougher... And I've been given extras because of someone's mistake...
It's not fair, but then life is never fair...

Shan't be updating for a long time... As you guys can already see...

Deep Longing.

2011-06-19T19:53:00.000+08:00

I find myself at a point where I cannot think.
I cannot breathe.
I cannot live.

I feel my heart breaking apart.
Like the ice on a frozen lake.
It hurts, and I feel like dying.

I dream of you always.
And want to see your face again.
Mein Liebe.

Walks in the park,
Down the street,
In the sun.

Sitting on chairs,
Benches,
At cafes.

Having ice cream,
Lick by lick,
Playful little pups.

Trapped by the virtue of my birth.
Held by chains.
Killed by reality.

To not see you is agony.
To not hear from you is death.
And so I die.

2011-06-14T09:47:00.000+08:00

Feeling contented and well taken care of after last night's rendezvous at a little place I like to call my personal slice of heaven on earth.
I felt damn VIP there, and I could totally just picture myself going there every weekend if I can.
Ah well, gonna go to my new camp tomorrow. It's in some really deserted area, which pisses the shit out of me, since commuting there will be a bitch... But it's gonna be fun. I think...
Hmm... Scratch that, probably gonna be some tough training up ahead for me. Pff...

I want to fly away and be with you.
By your side, through thick and thin.
Loving you for who you are.
And kissing you till we're both too damn tired to go on anymore.

2011-06-12T02:35:00.002+08:00

I found my slice of heaven on earth at 2am.
Defintely my place to be. Nice drinks and the desserts are absolutely fabulous!!!
They'll definitely see me as a regular there ^^
Now to solve the problem of how to get money to make it a regular event....

18 months left

2011-06-09T06:30:00.000+08:00

Officially 18 months of servitude left...
Counting down the days till we're together again.
It also happens to be payday. And if they've yet to back pay me, they'd better start doing it now.
Pff... It's only thursday... Which sucks, since there's a private sale going on at Fendi.
And I wouldn't mind going down. See Damien perhaps. Kekeke...

Ass fucked...

2011-06-08T16:12:00.000+08:00

Well, here I am. Still standing. Or rather still lying down... I'm walking around like I just got ass fucked. Which is not glamorous at all... Survived the 28km march, though I've heard my commander say that it was actually 34km. I can't believe that they would mind fuck us so much!

Really tempted to give up at the 8km mark, because we marched 8km straight, even though we were supposed to have a rest after every 4km... Still, I managed to pull through. Thinking of you, you gave me strength. That plus the thought of having to redo the whole damn thing if I fell out was a very strong motivator. The last stretch was definitely the toughest, and definitely the most rewarding. Especially when your surroundings starts to become familiar, you ignore the pain. Block out the fatigue, and just press on. Suddenly everyone's spirit was lifted with loud singing. Singing songs of encouragement, and of pride. Foxtrot warriors were marching in to camp. Shouting out to announce it to the whole camp! Ultimately, those who made it for sure felt a sense of pride. Of achievement. This is not something that everyone can accomplish so easily.

Well, I'm just damn proud to say that I made it through it all.
I've survived when others started falling out.
I am strong within.
I hope you're proud of me. Because I did this for you.

2011-06-07T16:32:00.002+08:00

Setting off now for the long walk tonight... I'm stocked with energy drinks, and that should help keep me awake overnight. I hope...
Because last time I walked that far, it was overnight as well, and feeling sleepy was the worst part of it all. That plus the terrible aching in my feet. Well, gonna go now.

2011-06-07T10:33:00.000+08:00

Slow day... Resting as much as I can now for the long walk tonight...
Pff... Not particularly looking towards it, but it has to be done. And the sense of accomplishment should be greater. Oh, I got a new haircut.

2011-06-06T22:42:00.000+08:00

Gonna be doing my 28km NE Graduation March tomorrow. Will be marching overnight, just like during the 24km POP march. Just that it's gonna be 4km longer. Will I make it? I certainly hope so...

I miss you, my love.
My heart aches for you,
And I yearn to be with you yet again.
Alas cruel fates have decided that it shall not be so.
But lady luck has given me a way.
I shall return to your side yet again.
And I hope to have you just as you were.
Just as you will always have me, just as I am.
Keep yourself for me my sweetheart.
And I shall be yours, and yours alone for all time.
Yours lovingly,
T.E.S

Straight club? No thanks.

2011-06-05T22:51:00.001+08:00

Went for Candis' birthday on Saturday at P.S Cafe again...
Well, no matter, now that I'm earning a little bit more, it's fine to spend a little sometimes.
Still, I need money for visiting Leo again.
Anyways, after dinner there, we headed to Zouk to continue partying.
Thing is, the place was so boring I actually dozed off so many times there...
Power naps, so to speak. Music was shitty as well... I'm never stepping into another straight club ever again... Sorry Candis. I guess the straight scene is just not for me...

2011-06-03T14:27:00.000+08:00

I respect my boss alot, but when he asks me to do something impossible and something just plain stupid, I can't respect him anymore.
Also, I think he's just being mean about the whole damn thing.
So, thanks to him, he just took another day from me.

2011-06-03T06:25:00.002+08:00

Pff... Still got one last IPPT. For foundation term at least.
If I don't go to Pro term, then it'll be my last for this year. I hope...
Booking out today. Gonna go home for some nice R&R.

18 months left.

2011-06-02T11:52:00.000+08:00

Half a month gone... Time is flying at a faster pace then I have imagined...
And yet it is passing by painfully slow...
Still I only have 18 months of service left to serve, come 9th of June.
I am thinking deeply of all the people that I've not hung out with for so long.
Not excluding my German friends of course, and definitely you, Leo.

The frailty of human life is disgustingly real...
It is frail beyond imagining, where one false move, or one accident can snuff us out.
Just as a candle light is snuffed out by a mere breath.
*Sigh*

Family Fendi

2011-05-30T11:04:00.000+08:00

Here I am, back in camp...
Looking for something, and not finding it.
Hmm, it still eludes me. I'm actually clueless as to how to go about looking for it.

I have a date at 2am:dessertbar on Saturday.
It should be fun.
A huge thank you to my new friend, who made me feel much, much better after getting robbed.
And kudos to the extremely friendly and hospitable staff at Ngee Ann City's Fendi.
You made me feel really welcomed and wanted there. You'll definitely find me there more often.

I'm glad we kissed and made up. Because if we didn't, I'm not sure what I'd do if I lose you again...
I'm sorry if I made you worried. But that's just me. And you're really nice to me.

You left me alone...

2011-05-29T09:57:00.001+08:00

You left me alone...
You didn't stay when I needed you most...
Fuck you. Can I still trust you?! I don't know...
You seemed to always be there when I needed you.
But seems like you proved me wrong today.
I want to trust you still, but after today, I'm not sure I can...
Were you afraid of me?! Is that it?! That's why you left?!
I always knew that people wouldn't accept me. But not you...
Perhaps you accept me, perhaps you don't...
But right now I just hate you so much...
You left me alone...

Fond Memories

2011-05-27T06:49:00.000+08:00

They were fond memories...
Memories of you and I.
How I would wait for you, but never you for I.
We would never see each other's face, just see each other's words.
And we'd read and read those messages, and feel that everything was alright.
But then you decided that you were too busy one day.
But still I waited for you. Always at night, just waiting, just waiting.
Till one day you just stopped completely, and I knew that things could never be.
Your attempts to contact me again, met with something cold.
There was nothing left between us. Just a gap that was once filled.
We left, on perhaps, not the best of terms. But still I hoped that we would remain friends.
I should've realized that it was never meant to be.
Two insane people, were never meant to be. Likes repel, and unlikes attract.
We would've seeked too much attention, that neither of us could give.
We would ultimatley kill ourselves in our pursuit for love...
But t'is quite sometime already...
Let's forget it and just move on.

2011-05-25T22:07:00.001+08:00

Sleepy... Gonna get some rest soon...
Unpurposeful, unwanted, unneeded...

Room's getting crowded again, so I'll sleep soon to escape from it all...
*Sigh*
I'm never gonna be what I wanna be am I?

2011-05-25T05:25:00.001+08:00

The dark came for me last night.
I had almost forgotten what it felt like...
I'm not afraid of it no more. Not gonna hide it.
Beautiful crimson flow of death.
The sweet red wine of life.
That's what I crave, and that's what I want.
How dark can I go? Let's see how far down damnation's path I can go.

Born This Way (We all need a good cry don't we?)

2011-05-24T21:52:00.001+08:00

Thought I'd just put this video up to help me along with my re-discovery process.
But anyways, just find myself constantly reminded that I don't want to be here at all...
And that perhaps much better things await me somewhere else. Maybe something worse awaits me. I don't know for sure, and it's kind of scary. Writing about this now makes my heart beat faster, and not in a good way. The kind of 'I'm feeling so anxious' kind of way...
Looks like we're in for some rain tonight, which is good, because I want that to be my mood now.
I want someone to cry for me, since I am incapable of crying now.
We all need a good cry once in a while don't we?
We all just want someone to catch us in our moment of weakness and be there to comfort us don't we?
To have arms wrapped around you when you're feeling so scared and alone.
To not have them say anything, but communicate what you need with small physical gestures.
*Sigh*

2011-05-24T01:59:00.000+08:00

Just got back at 1:15am from training... It's crazy, sleeping times are getting pushed back more and more, while wake up timing is getting earlier and earlier. Thankfully wake up timing is at 6:45am.

Been thinking about dragons and humans today.
And I'm wondering how I could incorporate that into the new me.
Maybe I will, maybe I won't. We'll see, we'll see.

Anyways after this week is over, things will be relatively more relaxed.
Hope to spend sometime with my close friends soon.
And I definitely need to finish composing my email for Leo by tomorrow...

2011-05-22T19:16:00.000+08:00

The night has come. And I am being drawn into the world of dark.
But soon, something physical will draw me away, from the ethereal, the surreal.
And I will be thrust back into the world of reality.
Never escaping for more than a moment, before being grasped again by the cruelty of the world.
I am never a master of my own life. Merely bits of flotsam floating in the sea...
Why can I never be part of my own world, my own kind?
Spread my dragon wings and fly. To the furthest moon, to the coldest star.
Harpooned back to the ground by the hands of man.
My mystical being, touched by filthy limbs.
I am defiled, I am undone...

2011-05-20T23:00:00.000+08:00

Back from training... It's been pretty fun. But it's tiring at the same time.
Tomorrow is book out day. After more training that is.
Still deciding if I want to arrange for things to happen this weekend.

Plan for redesigning myself.

-Understand what/who I am.
-Embrace that understanding, and to accept myself for what/who I am.
-Build upon it to reinforce it outwardly.
-Live it to the fullest.

Just a brief outline of how I plan to acheive my redesign.
Still on Point no.1

2011-05-18T22:02:00.000+08:00

For Morgan.

2 new posts on the Literary Diary.
I hope you enjoy them. Although I will admit right here, and right now that they are crappy shit pieces of work that cannot hold a candle to my older works...
I'm afraid that the spark of creativity lasted only that season. And I fear that it may never return.
I hope that is not true, because part of my being lives in that...

Well, anyways, the works are for you. Enjoy ^^

Continual seeking

2011-05-18T16:09:00.000+08:00

Whew... The day is over. Which is a good thing.
Now just gotta clear the other 3 days and I'll be fine.
Reading some articles to help give me some in depth about who I really am.
But so far it's not really helping. Since what they're telling me is what I already know about myself.
I'll continue seeking.

2011-05-18T06:23:00.000+08:00

Getting set for a day of training.
It's gonna be a long, short week.
Missing my German friends alot...
Wanna be back there with them...
I especially miss Leo... D=

Metamorphosis.

2011-05-17T22:00:00.000+08:00

Metamorphosis.
Going to spend some time this week or next to redesign myself.
To begin to search for the real me. I must admit I'm feeling a little lost as to what I am myself.
I need to embrace my literary and artistic roots again. I'm feeling drained...

Stay tuned to watch me transform from this stinking old meat sack, into the real me.
The darker side of Thayron.
The darker, more beautiful side of moi.
I'm getting hyped up about rediscovering myself!!!

Until then this is all I have for today.
Love you all, my dear readers.
Hugs and kisses.
-T.E.S

2011-05-17T08:34:00.001+08:00

Going back to camp today...
And this just feels like one of those days where I open my eyes and drag my lazy ass from my bed, to the kitchen and make some delicious breakfast. And I'll enjoy it on the balcony of my penthouse apartment.

Sadly I do not own a penthouse apartment...

2011-05-16T21:24:00.000+08:00

Sporting short hair and eyeliner.
Thank goodness I can still pull it off.
Next time: Eye shadow.

I realize that the eyeliner is hardly visible...
But trust me. It's there.
I should know. I put'em there.

Feeling so very jealous.

2011-05-16T15:53:00.001+08:00

Today's mood forecast. Jealous.

Feeling awfully jealous of my past self right now...
I want my hair back!
And I want to wear make up again!!!
I don't wanna be in the army!
I don't wanna be in Singapore!
I wanna be able to go where I want, when I want!!!
And live out my fantasies and forget about reality...

D=

2011-05-10T23:05:00.000+08:00

Back from the field.
Now on my bed, writing my diary, listening to music, and blogging...
It's been an overly frustrating day. Navigation is definitely not my forte...
Getting lost in the jungle, slipping and falling, spraining my ankle and getting exhausted.
Sergeants there are no help as well, save for one.
Thank you unknown sergeant for your encouragement and your 'hints' ^^

Now I'ma just grab some rest and get ready for tomorrow...
Long day ahead.

2011-05-08T12:50:00.000+08:00

So, here I am in the Company Office... Doing my COS duties... Such a bitch.
But anyways, had a wonderful time at the wedding reception and the dinner last night.
Perhaps a little too much of a wonderful time. Wine was flowing like water, and I was drinking like no tomorrow. Ended up with a bad headache at 2am in the morning, which sucked.

All the best to my Aunt and her handsome Groom!

I just came to the realization that it doesn't matter where you are, or when I'm going to see you again.
All that matters is that I will get to see you again, and I want to spend the most time that I can with you.
All else is a bonus.
Cheer up my brother. I'll be seeing you real soon ^^

2011-05-07T01:20:00.000+08:00

So, I'm back from Field Camp!
I got one helluva nasty heat rash, and COS duties on Sunday to boot...
Not a happy boy now...

But still, it's great to finally be out of the jungle.
There's a tea ceremony tomorrow, and a wedding dinner to attend.
Now, to decide what to wear...

2011-05-02T22:35:00.000+08:00

So... I drank. Even though I said I wouldn't.
But it wasn't much. Only 4-5 shots... Okay, that was quite a bit.
But still, not alot.

Anyways, the drink is doing what it's supposed to be doing, and it's fading away.
I, unfortunately, am not doing what I'm supposed to do...
Still, it's nice to know that there are some people who care.
Thank you.

I got COS on Sunday... But it's okay.
I hope to get what I want on Friday night and saturday.

Pff...

2011-05-02T19:09:00.002+08:00

Going back to camp tonight.
Need to pack my stuff and get ready for outfield tomorrow night.
Wish me luck, and pray that Bill will survive the jungle horrors.

Tschuss!

Remix!

2011-05-02T11:05:00.000+08:00

Some remixes of classic, and I mean CLASSIC, Tokio Hotel songs.

1) Monsoon

2) Ready, Set, Go!

Enjoy!

2011-04-30T15:31:00.002+08:00

Nooo!!!
Bill is growing a beard!!!
How can he?! Doesn't he know that I like him clean shaven, an having that huge hawk of his?!
The end of te world is upon us! Take shelter, Run, Hide!!!
I still think he's hot though...

Strange

2011-04-28T05:59:00.000+08:00

Gonna start the IPPT soon.
Hopefully I'll get a silver this time. I don't know if that's possible after just one RT, but hey, anything can happen eh?
New things about myself discovered, and I'm scared.
But slowly, I'm begining to embrace it. This is who I am. I didn't choose it, neither did my parents.
The world may say that it's wrong, but who are they to tell me what's right and what's wrong?
So, I'm just going to accept myself, and that's all that matters.

2011-04-27T06:29:00.000+08:00

Phew... What a relief... I had thought that something might've happened between us or something...
Ugh... I love the fact that my psychological disorders create something unique in me, but at the same time it drives me nuts when it makes me paranoid and delusional. Sometimes only.

Still, it is Wednesday, and I've only another 3 nights here before I get home.
Monday is a holiday, and no need to return till Monday night.
It should be fine ^^
I think I'll plan something with my friends, or perhaps I'll just stay home and continue building up my creativity. We'll see...
Other than that, I've got speed training in the morning, followed by games, lunch, some lecture and a test.
And that's about it for my day.
The next day would be IPPT... and something else.
Till then.

Allbatus et Diabolus

2011-04-24T20:52:00.000+08:00

One of my favouritest paintings of all time.
Allbatus et Diabolus

Thank you Leo. You're my bestest friend ever.

Wait for me, I'm coming back.

The Devil and The Angel

2011-04-23T06:25:00.000+08:00

My attempts at fixing my creativity has been going well so far.
Currently writing a short story, The Devil and The Angel, with 2 chapters up already.
Please read and comment on it, I would really appreciate some reviews.
Thanks in advance to all my readers ^^

http://thayron.deviantart.com/journal/40035519/

Good Friday? Think not.

2011-04-22T21:26:00.000+08:00

Here I am, back in camp... Because... I didn't get a silver...
Which sucks big time... It is Good Friday, but when you're in my position: What's good about it?
So, I finally got round to watching Burlesque. Words fail me, because that's how good a show it is.
And Cher is so beautiful in the show! My god, I could definitely fall for her.

And I got myself the Motorola Xoom. Happy boy ^^
Cost me a bomb though :(
So, I'm gonna have to walk home from now on for the next few months...
But oh well, so long as it makes me happy.

First day jitters.

2011-04-18T06:40:00.000+08:00

Starting my first day at SCS. Hopefully the next 10 weeks will be sarcasticaly fun.
I am, however, getting my first day jitters... And it's not comfortable.
See y'all in 1 week.

SCS, here I come.

2011-04-17T14:01:00.000+08:00

Okay, so for those who don't know yet...
I've been posted to the Specialist Cadet School (SCS), for further training to be a specialist.
What this means is that I will go through the Basic Section Leader Course (BSLC), that will gve me the skills needed to lead men. Which in other words mean that I will become a 3SG, after I successfully complete the course.

I am surprised that I am being posted there, due to the fact that I only have a GCE 'O' Level certificate, which by right means that I am not elegible to be selected for command school at all. The fact that I'm chosen speaks more about myself, than what I actually realize. Maybe they see something in me that I've not seen. Or maybe they just made a mistake. In anycase it is quite an honour, and I will do my best. I've decided that I will not be disappointed or dread the fact that I will have to go for field camp and route marches. No, I've decided to just take it as it comes and hopefully, people will feel proud of me. And that I can feel proud of myself.

So SCS, here I come.

2011-04-15T09:23:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I've died... Maybe this is the afterlife. Which then begs the question, how did I die? Do I reenact the way I die here? Maybe then I bled to death, or jumped off the top of a building in a surreal state of mind, brought on by copious amounts of alcohol.

Glueklich Geubrstag!

2011-04-13T23:55:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday boy!
You're now 19 years old.
How're you gonna celebrate?

Well, I was hoping to have dinner with friends, but since they're busy...

It's okay, we'll celebrate with you.

POP

2011-04-11T00:47:00.002+08:00

A proud moment of my life.
4 months of gruelling training and conditioning that culminates at the Marina Floating Platform.
The signalling of the end of one journey, and the beginning of another.
Every recruit goes through this moment, and rejoices.
Passing Out Parade.

It all begins with the entry into BMT, during which time a recruit is put through his paces.
He trains with his comrades, learning skills that will give him the basics of military life.
He learns to shoot, cope with mental and physical stresses, lead men.
After which he is sent on the final leg of his journey that begins with a 24km march.

But here is the story of the 24km march, and my POP.

It starts with us setting off from the start point, at Changi Beach Park, at 6:30pm.
The first 4km was not a problem. The sun was setting and the sea breeze was blowing. Morale was high and we were singing songs about our sergeants, chatting and joking about.
But after that, things got bad...

At the 8km mark, my feet were raw from walking. Each step I took hurt. And to add to that, my left knee started giving me problems as well... It was sheer agony to walk. My breathing was laboured, and sweat fell down my brow in huge droplets. I was screming every few steps I took, just to distract myself from the pain. It was worse when I had to pretend that everything was alright in front of my officers, lest they pull me out from the march and prevent me from taking part in the parade.

There were only a few things on my mind through out the arduous march. The unbearable pain, my family and Yoshi. The pain was hard to ignore, prompting me to fall out all the time. But thinking of my family, of Yoshi, kept me going. I was not doing this march for myself. I was doing it for them. I was not serving NS for myself, I was doing it for them. To do them proud, to let them be proud of me, that's what went through my mind and kept me going.

I pushed on despite the pain, and eventually, I was rewarded.
We arrived at the endpoint, at the F1 Paddock at 3.00am, after marching 9 hours through East Coast Park.
I threw off my field pack, my helmet and combat vest. Collapsed on the ground and wept.
I made it. I survived the march and pushed myself beyond my limits. A huge sense of pride surged through me, along with relief and ecstacy. I did it!

After a precious few hours of sleep, we made our way to the Floating Platform, and the end was about to begin. The Parade started promptly at 8.00am, and we, the men of Scorpion Company, marched proudly out on to the parade ground led by our Officer Commanding and Company Sergeant Major.
As we marched out the city skyline came into view. And suddenly I knew why I was servng NS. I new why I had to. I had always known, but now it struck me deeper. The parade was over in less than an hour, and at the end we tossed our jockey caps into the sky. We were officialy trained soldiers.

Ecstatic, and tired. That's what most of us were. We went through 4 months of tough training. It didn't go to waste. To be on the parade ground that day made the 4 months of hell all worthwhile.

Passing Out Parade at Marina Floating Platform.

Marina Bay Sands and the ArtScience Museum in the backdrop.

Me and a few platoon mates, along with my OC.

The men of Scorpion Company, Platoon 2, Section 1.

(Photo taken during our field camp)

2011-04-03T00:26:00.000+08:00

Just as one degree can unmake a man,
So too can one degree make a man.
But in my case, I'm being undone.
And where is the hero who would save me?
He's so near. Yet so far.

2011-03-22T19:49:00.000+08:00

I've been subjected to insult and teasing from the world outside, and here within camp, simply for being who I am. But today brought things to a whole new level, with the words "You gay-fuck!" directed at me. It wasn't so much of the words, but the intent, and the looks given to me, while it was being said. Is it any wonder why I hate humans?

Chernobyl of the East?

2011-03-16T22:02:00.000+08:00

We've all probably seen and heard about what's going on in Japan right now. A triple whammy.
A 9.0 earthquake, followed by a tsunami that killed thousands already and now an imminent nuclear meltdown... My greatest concern is about the nuclear meltdown.

As we know Chernobyl happened almost 30 years ago. And the fallout reached all the way to America. Tens of thousands of people displaced. Thousands dead, due to radiation. An entire land rendered uninhabitable. Perhaps now it's Japan's turn to become the Chernobyl of the East...

As of right now 4 out of 6 reactors are overheating. Pressure is building up in the reactor. Explosions have wracked these 4 reactors, and the ambient radiation level has risen to dangerous and potentially lethal levels. (3000 millisevierts. 1000 millisevierts is enough to cause temporary radiation sickness)

As of now, the Japanese government has evacuated people from the surrounding area and established a 20km Zone of Exclusion (ZoE). Technicians are doing their best to prevent a meltdown from happening, but they are facing some setbacks. Winds are, fortunately, blowing the fallout towards the sea, but all it takes is a change in wind direction to blow it towards us.

I advise my readers and the general public to go to your local pharmacy and buy at least 2 bottles of Potassium Iodine Solution (KI Solution) mix 130mg of it with a glass of water and drink it for 3-4 days to protect our thyroid and prevent yourself from getting thyroid cancder due to the Iodine-131. 65mg is the child's dosage. Please do this only after the authorities have told you to do so. Also reamin indoors, and do not go out, unless absolutely necessary. If you have to go out, please try to limit your exposure by getting back indoors as soon as possible.

Hopefully a Chernobyl of the East won't happen...e

Too long...

2011-03-12T09:47:00.000+08:00

Well, well, well...
It's been too long since I last updated my blog.
So I wouldn't really be suprised if my readership went down.
But anyways, here to update you on a few things.
1) Only 3 more weeks till my POP, which means that there's only 20 months left till I ORD!
2) When bald, always go out with a hat.
3) I'm trying to do a photoshoot that will tell a story, a picture is worth a 1000 words after all.

Anyways, here's someone new I just discovered.
He is incredible. Love the voice. Love the face.

Too busy?

2011-03-05T19:15:00.001+08:00

I wonder if we're still feeling the same way for each other.
Perhaps we've drifted too far.
I waited for your letters, but they never came.
Too busy for me perhaps?
Not even a short little letter for me?
Hmm... Where do I stand exactly?
You tell me.
A last letter from me to you.
Today.
We shall see.

2011-03-05T06:34:00.000+08:00

Going back into the jungle again, but this time it's by the seaside.
Bad news is, we're walking there. 12km. 12 long-fucking-km...
Good news is, we're tere for only 3 days and 2 nights.
Bad news is, we're marching every single day.
Good news is, once it's over, it's over.
I just wanna get it done and over with, return to myself.
Return to my fellow soul.

2011-03-02T21:08:00.000+08:00

I'm losing my creativity...
Slowly sinking away into the abyss of reality.
My moods have been up as of late.
Perhaps that's what's killing my creativity.
The surreal is fading, replaced by realness.
I feel lost in this new world...

In other news...
I'm back on RuneScape again! Egads!
I'm only 5 more weeks away from POP!
I'm 19 this year! OH MY GOD!!!
I'm still struggling with knowing what I want to study!
And I'm dying.

I say...

2011-02-20T17:06:00.000+08:00

I'm struggling to keep my emotions in check.
Am constantly reminding myself that not to do so this week would be folly.
My mind shall not be my own this week.
But it shall be that of a man, who is not me.
And still I cannot help but wonder, will I still be me after all is said and done?
To my heart I say, wait for me. I shall be back for you.
To my love I say, wait for me, I shall return to you.
And to my sanity I say, wait for me, but I shan't catch up to you.

Eating oneself.

2011-02-16T11:21:00.000+08:00

Ever seen a person bite himself?
It's quite beautiful really. The sinking of the canines into the skin, piercing it.
The tearing of flesh with incisors. The pulling of raw flesh, revealing white bone.
The crimson liquid that flows copiously from the torn veins.
It's a veritable work of art... Ah, pity it exists only in my mind. Unable to be seen by others in the world... Such a shame that such beauty can't be shared...

2011-02-12T18:49:00.001+08:00

Drive me crazy, let me be.
Numb myself, start the pain.
Break from reality, start the dream.
The Night Terror it shall be.

I'm breaking myself up. Numbing myself from this world. Putting on my masks, and lowering my guard.
Contradictory, I know. But who among you ever really cares?
I'm a slide show, a curio. A one time circus show.
I'm here for your entertainment. Here for your delight.
Don't mind me if I feel sad. Don't mind me if I'm mad. You'll never know what I really feel. Because, that's the whole beauty of it.
The trick behind the illusion, the mystery of the show.
A rubic's cube that can't be solved. Frustratingly irritating, yet determined to solve.
Hmph. That's what I am. That's what I like to be.
Unreadable, unsolvable. Unbelievable, uncontrollable.
Unliveable, undieable.

Fick dich.

2011-02-10T21:58:00.000+08:00

I swear someone in my company doesn't like me... I can't say who, or I'll be fired, or worse... Just like in the papers. But anywho, the person knows who he is, and doesn't need me to identify him. And I know what I'll do to the person when the time comes.

Well, I am actually an excellent shot, if I do say so myself. I would have gotten full scores on the range, if not for the fact that a technical fault cost me my marks...

Going home on Friday evenings for the first time in the longest time ever...
And then I got to guard the Hotel on Sunday... IlovemyjobIlovemyjobIlovemyjob...

That's all for now...

CNY/BMT Celebrations

2011-02-07T22:15:00.000+08:00

It's BMT!!! And it was great to celebrate it with a 6km route march!
And we did it in just little over an hour!

CNY was good. Met up with family and friends, and I met my mum's gay Japanese classmates.
It was cool, cause they're kinda like me!!!

Went clubbing on Saturday night/Sunday morning.
It was a great time, I missed it quite a bit. The drinks coursing through one's vein, the hypnotic trance of music, and the people, and the touch... *Sigh*

But I also missed my guy's call...
And that drove me round the bend... Pff...

2011-02-06T12:30:00.002+08:00

I had my doubts... And they came to pass.
It's been too long since the last time.
And I let that go.
I'm crawling under the blanket, and killing myself.

2011-02-05T09:46:00.002+08:00

Can't wait for my 'interview' to start.
Should start in a few hours. The topic?
Something to do with why I left.
I love such interviews. The seeds of doubt can be planted.
And from it freedom.

2011-02-03T21:06:00.002+08:00

Back from CNY.
And everyone's fussing over my NS...
My hair... *Sigh*
My tan... *Sigh*
The fact that I have 22 months left... *Sigh*

On the other hand... Money!!!

The crazy.

2011-01-30T12:43:00.002+08:00

The crazy wants to be freed from within, yet the man knows that it cannot be so. It breaks the mans heart, to hold the beautiful beast within. But to set it loose would be to lose his soul.

Promotion!

2011-01-29T21:10:00.000+08:00

Guess who had a promotion?!
Yes, yes, yours truly got a promotion! Okay, maybe not a permenant one, but a temporary one to be sure.
Hell, I held on to my new position for less than 10 mins!!!
So what was I promoted to?
I was promoted from...

Head of Department for Platoon 2 Public Health and Sanitation

To...

Company Minor IC

Which is a huge jump, to say the least! I got to command the troops to go where they were supposed to.
And I think I did a pretty good job, if I do say so myself.
Other than that, I've got pretty much nothing to blog about now...
Will find something to write about soon.

For Morgan

2011-01-16T15:29:00.002+08:00

Just for you Morgan, though I really don't know what you want me to update about, since everything is the same, week in, week out...

I had a new hair cut, can't tell eh?
I did over 200 push ups in one day.
I did a 100 pulls up in on hour.
I really have no idea what else to update about...

Oh yeah, 3 more weeks to Luxury Package from the Hotel

Is the United States an exceptional nation?

2011-01-09T09:49:00.001+08:00

I don't think that the United States can call itself and/or hold on to the belief that it is an exceptional state.

Perhpas in the past, e.g: The Cold War Era, it can be considered an exceptional nation, due to the fact that it was not just economically, but militarily strong as well. The individual freedoms that American citizens have over their Eastern Bloc counterparts had, also helps to perpetuate the belief in others that the United States was an exceptional nation.

But in recent years China, India and other countries of the world are also becoming economically and militarily strong as well. Not only that, these countries are taking an active role in influencing world politics, whereas the United States is taking a more passive role in influencing world politics.

The 1st Gulf War was justified by the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait. But the 2nd Gulf War was not justified at all. The attack on Iraq, based on the belief that it had WMDs has not been substantiated, and thus the deposing of Iraqi Dictator, Saddam Hussein, should not be legal at all. It is the same as the Iraqis attacking Kuwait. I the United States would attack another sovereign nation without cause, then surely that doesnot speak much for American Justice, and the system that the rest of the world should aim to follow.

In effect, I do not think that the United States is an exceptional nation any longer. The time has come where the United States should see itself as equals on the world stage, with no authority to impose itself on other nations, as it would have itseld believe. In fact, no nation should think themself exceptional to other nations, as this would give them unrighteous cause to impose their views on other nations, and that would be a severe blow to World Unity and World Peace.

http://newsletter.dw-world.de/re?l=ew7evgI467wifnI7

2011-01-02T08:18:00.002+08:00

I hate myself so much right now...
I just wanna kill myself...
How could I have done such a thing?!
FML

Now I'ma going back to the Hotel,
With this on my mind?!
Really, FML...

Eine Neue Jahre.

2011-01-01T01:43:00.000+08:00

Eine Neue Jahre.
2010 has come and gone... Real swift, might I add...
I made a real bold move tonight, and I hope it's recipocrated.

To all my readers, no matter where you're from or who you are.
Thank you for bearing with me, I know I might be boring at times, but you guys have been really faithful, being with me whether it's good or bad. I love you guys no matter what ^^

To the friends who've been with me the past year or so. (Lokies, Fen Mien, Morgan, Nicky, Eleni, Tiki, etc, etc...)
I love you guys, you guys make my life so much more bearable The times I feel like killing myself, I stop and think about you guys, and suddenly death seems so foolinsh. Thank you so much for making this year so wonderful, though it was swift... But cheers to the new decade!

To Morgan specifically.
Thanks for bearing with me. I know I am mean at times, but then again it's just me. So forgive me for that. Hope you have a really great 2011 and that it'll be good for you ^^
With all my love, Thayron Elijah Sim.

So another year has come and gone, the passing of time.
The closer to Death we are. But let us make the most of the time left.
And together, hopefully, to World Peace.

Cheers to the new decade. To technological progress, to more tolerance to those different from us. To greater understanding between nations and ideologies. To financial stability, to territorial stability.

To all the under priviledeged people of the world.
Have hope. The day will come when your suffering will end. The starving families in Africa, This New Year, may your bellies be full and may greater thins come for you.

To the abused children of the world.
Have hope Though home may not seem like home, know that there are always people that care for you, and love you. The world might seem like a cruel place, but there is always something out there worth living for.

To the AIDS/HIV sufferers.
Have Hope, the day will come when a cure will arrive. May your days ahead be filled with joy and calm. No suffering on your end, and I ask for greater understanding and empathy for those non-AIDS/HIV sufferers.

To all the people that need help or counselling.
I just want you all to know, whether you know me in person or not, I wanna be here to give y'all a shoulder to lean on. I wanna be here for all the people who don't have what I have. You can contact me in several ways
Through Facebook : Thayron Elijah Sim
Through E-mail: asjj-92@hotmail.com
Or just leave a comment on my blog.

I'll be here to help you as best I can. So, loves to all of you.
Hope is something we can all cling on to.

To the new decade. *Cheers*

Away from the Hotel.

2010-12-29T07:08:00.000+08:00

So, I'm now back at home, typing away on my dilapidated laptop...
All I want for X'mas is a brand new one. Sadly, that didn't come true.
I'm on my bed, resting my sprained knees (No thanks to the army), and just sitting here thinking of what to do for the day. Perhaps I should pamper myself a little, spend $70 for a full body massage. Or perhaps rock out to ToHo tunes. Maybe get some gymming done. No lower limb activities though. That would be a real killer on my knees... But all in all, the day is gonna be a real lazy one. And I do believe that any off day that I get away from the Hotel, would be a lazy one.

Geist und Mensch,
Lass uns schlafen.

First Book out

2010-12-23T20:58:00.003+08:00

First book out.
Happy.
Tired.
Sleeping now...

2010-12-08T23:33:00.001+08:00

Goodbye my readers, I will be back on X'mas
Fear not Death, for He is our friend.
The Deliverer of our doomed existence.

2010-12-08T11:32:00.000+08:00

And I have no more days left.
Only a couple of hours.
Haircut today, and get me an alarm clock.
Time to burn off the fats and tone up this body.
This boy gonna be so pretty when he get out. With the exception of the short hair...
Pff... Oh well, it'll grow.
Looking forward to the pain and the gain.
And the solitude at night, though surrounded by others.
I shall escape, as I always have.
To the place where skies are red and stars are black.
And we'll meet each other in the place where there is eternal dark.

2010-12-07T17:06:00.000+08:00

When something becomes a fact of life, you become immune to it.
And so, I fear not Death, I fear not Life.
I fear not the troubles, nor the joys.
I fear not the thunderstorm, I fear not the sunny days.
For these are facts of life, and one simply becomes immune to it.

One day left...

2010-12-07T06:38:00.000+08:00

Another dreamless night...
Got up at 6.10
Heading to shower soon.
Pff... Feels like the start of a pretty bad day..
We'll see...
1 day left...

2010-12-06T21:06:00.001+08:00

2 days left...
And I'm still going to the office...

2010-12-06T08:29:00.001+08:00

Failed to awake at 6... Pff...
3 more days to achieve it.

Biological Clock

2010-12-05T22:50:00.002+08:00

In about an hour, I'll have only 3 days left...
Time to adjust my biological clock. So I'm going to bed now.
Good night world.
Let us close our eyes, and let the dreaming commence.

2010-12-04T23:36:00.002+08:00

4 days left...
Dillema.

2010-12-04T11:38:00.000+08:00

5 days left...
It rains, and rains, and rains.
I like to think that the sky cries for me.
For me alone. For the little scared boy within.
For all his charisma and charm, he's still a little boy.
A boy who doesn't want to grow up.
Who wants to be free from worries and sorrows.
5 days left...
Time to make preps to say Auf Wiedersehen to my Social life...

Oh my Billa!!!

2010-12-03T09:58:00.000+08:00

Oh my Billa! There's gonna be a video for Maedchen Aus Dem All!!!
Gaaaahhhhh!!! *Squeal* *Giggle* *Scream*
Okay, cool, calm, collected...
Oh, 6 days left...
Fendi sale later, Bar tonight, 'Meet the Fokkers' tomorrow.
Social death in 6 days. XD

Love is a game, for everyone.
But this is you and me...
We had a thousand lives in one,
We had Hurricanes and Suns.
Hey! Don't you know,
We've just begun!

Hurricanes and Suns!!!

2010-12-02T20:10:00.002+08:00

Loving every little bit of Hurricanes and Suns! The new song by Tokio Hotel!!!

Joy and Sorrow.

2010-12-02T01:14:00.000+08:00

What is good and evil?
What is right and wrong?
Merely concepts of morality that keep us in check.
Death will come regardless of how good or evil you are.
Contradicting that I hold animal's lives as dear. Yet treat human life with such contempt.
Perhaps it's the fact that we understand.

Well, enough with the emoing.
I'm glad I spent quality time with my family, and I got to see my dad smile at me.
I know that he's not proud of me still, and that he holds my brother in higher regard.
I just wish that pride wasn't an issue...

Well, enough ranting...
I haven't used my blog to tell about my day as of late, so I shall just dedicate a little section to it.
My day started late, at around 10am, with me heading to work and doing what is neccessary.
Got treated to lunch by my aunt, since I'm leaving the company for NS soon. And she got me an NS man's handy for X'mas ^^ Joy!!!
She even bothers to gift wrap it, so I appreciate it alot.
And the day ends with me chatting with my family and blogging right now.

I wish I could be there with you right now. To share my joy and my sorrows.
You probably know it, cause I know it. That 'like' is something I've gone beyond with you.
When the day comes and I tell you how I feel. I hope you'd accept me. Though if you reject me, I'll understand.
But we'll be friends for as long as possible ne?

Well, ladies and germs. 7 days and a couple of hours left.

2010-12-01T00:52:00.000+08:00

8 days left, leute...
Friday is clubbing night... For the 'last' time...
Mama's worried that I' get bullied in camp.
She worries too much *giggles*

2010-11-30T01:16:00.000+08:00

9 days left...

Argh!!! Worry, fret... *tugs at hair*
I will miss my normal social life. *sigh*
But still...
I will miss the both of you the most.
Don't forget me please...

2010-11-29T00:02:00.001+08:00

10 days left...
If any of my dear readers has anything they want to do with me,
This is your last week. Book me now XD

2010-11-28T23:03:00.000+08:00

Oh! Mein Liebe buch...
I have filled your pages with wonnderful words, that only I understand.
Words that bring back memories, and incite the senses.
Oh, what a wonderfully, glorious device it is. Writing.

2010-11-28T21:46:00.000+08:00

*Sniffles sobs*
I've got no inspiration for my Literary Diary...
My poor poor Literary Diary... Nothing for me to fill it with as of late.
No ink on cream paper...
My dear, I will come to you soon. Once my mind is filled with dreams and visions.
Haunting nightmares and crazy realities.

2010-11-28T02:32:00.000+08:00

11 days left...
Do you know how painful it is?
Not being able to write again?
Feelings fade and new ones arise.
Fires die, Embers remain.

2010-11-27T21:08:00.001+08:00

Fuck... I can't think...
My mind is not working.

2010-11-27T04:28:00.001+08:00

12 days left...

2010-11-26T11:09:00.000+08:00

13 days left...

I'm pulled and torn.
Lead me down the last mile.
To the place of never ending light.

Okay, little emo period over.
Loving Tokio Hotel all over again... *Sigh*
Went shopping on Wednesday with mum.
Bought some new stuff. Haha! Bill!!! You're turning me into you! XD
No, no, no. I still have my own style. So don't worry.

2010-11-24T09:21:00.000+08:00

Goodness, I had a looonnnnggggg rant on both twitter and FB...
I'll post it up here when I get back from work...

But on a more serious note...
I have noticed the extreme frailty of the human body, the human mind and the human psyche.
I have noticed that we are easily disturbed, as a puddle of water.
A single drop of water into that puddle causes ripples.
And so, just like that puddle of water, so are we.
I am noticing that we are more frail than before.
I do not want to die. I want to live.
And still, the dreams of immortality and eternal youth seem so near, yet so far.
I've had thoughts of living forever, in my mind. I've had thoughts of utopia.
But it is not possible.
Frail humans... So weak, and so naive...
If there is a higher power, it does not care... And it's planning is as flawed as it is ludicrous.
If there are aliens. I beg them to come and take us away. Evolve us.
If there is nothing. Then I beg Death to take us all in this instant.
Human kind is ultimately doomed if we do not do something.
And it won't be mother nature that kills us. It will be Human Nature.

2010-11-24T08:54:00.000+08:00

15 days left...
Still a little sick, but I think I'm on the mend.
Returning to work after 4 days of rest.
In other news...

N. Korea shells S. Korean military base.
The South is angered. As is the rest of the 'civilized' world.
My view is that the South has every right to conduct military drills within their own territory.
But when they chose to conduct it near the N. Korean border, they should expect some form of military response, as they should very well know after several decades of minor skirmishes, arising because of such a situation.

I'm not condoning the North's response at all, for those who might misinterprt my views.
I'm merely stating that both sides were to blame. The North, as usual responded to the military exercise by flexing their own military muscle. Certainly there are other ways to resolve the matter, but I think, considering that Kim Jong Un, is the next in line, and that he has been slowly gaining power within the N. Korea government, the attack was likely condoned by both Kim Jong Il and Kim Jong Un, as a sign to the North Koreans that the new leader is a man of action, not words.

Still, I don't know for certain. It's just my appallingly terrible analysis of the situation.

Nach arbeit, nach arbeit...

2010-11-23T09:44:00.001+08:00

16 days left...
I can't help but feel that I'm being setenced to death.
And that'll be the end of Ayron...